by: Scot McKay
Last week we talked about the first five of the "Top Ten Excuses" single adults make for dropping out of the dating pool. Today we'll cover the second half of the list. Fair warning-the bottom half of the list is even more hard-hitting than the first five, so fasten your seat belts. If you are making excuses for dating failure, prepare to be challenged…in the best possible way!
The first five "excuses" centered around physical limitations, advanced age, kids, game playing and finances. Let's continue where we left off:
1) Shyness
If words are hard to come by and meeting people is not easy, you certainly aren't alone. For better or worse, women still largely expect men to approach them first, so men especially have to get around shyness. This is probably the #1 excuse men give (along with the next one), and citing it can only point to one thing: you simply lack the guts to go for it. Women love men who are confident, and being able to start a conversation with an attractive woman is a key indicator of this. So guys, you just have to find the courage to make conversations happen. There are innumerable books and articles written on this elsewhere, but the best place to start is simply to make conversation with waitresses, bank tellers and any other women you meet during the course of daily life. Once you realize they will be friendly back, you are on the road to getting over shyness. If, on the other hand, you find women are NOT responding well, it's time to address creepiness-because women will normally respond very favorably (if not necessarily romantically) to any man who is friendly and non-threatening.
Ladies if you find yourself clamming up when an interesting guy approaches you, the same concept holds true. Just treat the conversation as if with anyone you've already known for years. Easier said than done, I realize, but again practice makes perfect.
2) Fear Of Rejection
Ah yes…the second excuse that men so often make. Our poor egos would be sooo bruised if a woman fails to validate us. The quickest cure for this is for a guy to begin to view approaching women as an opportunity to validate HER as a potential friend rather than a "do or die" referendum on whether she "accepts" him or not. That way, there's really no "rejection" involved, is there? The prevailing scenario is-again-that typically women will be friendly to guys who aren't obnoxious or creepy. If they are in fact rude to a guy who approaches, my feeling is that the guy dodged a serious bullet. Who wants to get stuck with a rude woman?
Fear of rejection can manifest itself even after a relationship is rolling. If we've been "dumped" a few times in a row it's easy to give up on dating altogether. Once again, asking the right questions ASAP in a relationship can help make sure differences in goals don't show up later. It's also important to look in the mirror if we get dumped time and again-especially if for no apparent reason. Are you giving vibes that you might not be trustworthy long term? Have you become less personable as your "true colors" are shown? Are you pushing too hard for commitment too early? All of these are GREAT reasons to get "dumped". Make sure you aren't perpetrating your own revolving-door relationships.
3) Risk
Schedule a few dates in public places and you'll soon realize that most of your dates aren't "dangerous"…even the ones you meet online. Once such "physical risks" are mitigated, consider emotional risks carefully. If you are afraid of "getting hurt" consider the types of people most likely to inflict emotional pain and avoid them. This means asking the right questions regarding what is expected out of a ‘relationship' and-quite simply-not becoming emotionally attached to someone with a different agenda. Will you ever be able to take all "risk" off the table? No. But as Tennyson is so often quoted as saying, "it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." Believe that, and you've cured yourself of this excuse…especially when you realize just how much lower the "risk factors" can truly be when the right conversations happen from the beginning.
4) "No Man Can Handle Me"
This is the mantra of smart, successful and / or strong willed women everywhere. Don't "dumb down" for anyone, but do make an effort to position yourself where you have the opportunity to meet guys who meet your standards. I'll be the first to acknowledge that sitting at the top of the bell curve means that your dating options are limited as a woman in particular. But you can and will meet a man you can respect…if you are determined. Don't give up.
5) Disdain For The Opposite Sex
Well, I hope that it comes as no surprise that people who really can't stand the opposite gender have a tough time finding someone of that demographic who is willing to commit to them. When spelled out so clearly it actually sounds silly, doesn't it? If your sexual orientation is straight yet you don't like the opposite sex much, plan on being very lonely until that is dealt with. Argue with me if you so choose, but my personal experience is that people who don't like the opposite sex are typically hard to get along with for members of their OWN gender also. Go figure.
Healthy relationships are one of life's greatest gifts. Everything we do here at X & Y Communications revolves around that principle. Instead of "giving up" in the face of doubt, the better response is to make the effort to deserve what you want. Through doing that the weakness imposed upon us by excuses for failure are transformed into power by virtue of taking responsibility for our own success. Cool, huh?
As I mentioned, this is a three-part series. But we've covered the top ten excuses people give for dating failures already, right? I believe that there is an even greater specter looming so large over the lives of many people that the shadow it casts requires a discussion unto itself. Its diabolical power to keep people mired in loneliness will be exposed and unraveled in the next issue.
About The Author
Scot McKay's dating strategies are found at http://www.deservewhatyouwant.com/ . Stop by right now and grab a FREE e-book ($20 value) when you sign up for the X & Y Communications Newsletter, which is always packed with unique and practical dating tips.
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